The Ash120 Toxicity Index (ATI): Rating Tech Executives from “Mild Annoyance” to “Full Apocalypse”

By Ash120, 7312.us – Still American. Still unsubtle. Still wondering why these billionaires can’t just buy therapy instead of islands.

Look, we’ve all seen the TED Talks. The visionary keynotes. The “I’m just a humble guy who wants to save humanity” humblebrags from dudes whose idea of roughing it is flying private while the rest of us deal with airport security theater. But how do we really measure the toxicity of our tech overlords? Not the polished PR version – the real “would this person sell your kidney for a 0.3% bump in quarterly growth” version.

Introducing the Ash120 Toxicity Index (ATI): a completely unscientific, highly biased, and deeply therapeutic 0-100 scale for assessing Silicon Valley (and adjacent) executives. Think Richter scale, but for ego earthquakes, political meddling, and the kind of personal drama that makes reality TV look wholesome. Higher score = run for the hills (or at least diversify your 401k away from their stock).

How It Works

Rate each factor on a 0-10 scale (with generous multipliers for extra spice), add them up, and divide by whatever feels right after your third coffee. Bonus points if the executive has ever tweeted “This is fine” while their company burns.

1. Political Involvements and Donations (Tilting Democracy): 0-20 points

Nothing says “disrupting democracy” like a tech bro with more Super PAC money than sense. Did they quietly fund both sides while publicly virtue-signaling? +8. Did they buy a politician’s entire career like it was a domain name? +15. Extra multiplier if they’re now “concerned about AI safety” right after their lobbying efforts gutted actual regulations.

We’re not saying anyone specifically is trying to own the future by owning the ballot box… but the ATI has detected some “patterns.”

2. Number of Past Girlfriends / Relationship Turnover: 0-15 points

High body count in the personal life category isn’t the issue – it’s the pattern. Serial monogamy with models, influencers, and “yoga entrepreneurs” who mysteriously get equity deals? Solid 7. If the exes start writing tell-alls about NDAs thicker than the U.S. tax code, we’re entering double digits. Bonus if they name their yacht after one of them. Double bonus if the yacht has a helipad for “discreet visits.”

3. Nasty Divorces: 0-15 points

Ah, the classic. Nothing reveals character like a divorce where the settlement involves more lawyers than a season of Succession. Points for public mud-slinging, hidden asset shenanigans, or using company resources to fight over the dog. Maximum score if the divorce makes headlines while the executive is simultaneously preaching mindfulness and work-life balance to their exhausted employees.

4. Management Style (Toxic Work Culture Maintenance): 0-20 points

Can they keep a “high-performance environment” that somehow results in 40% attrition and anonymous Glassdoor reviews that read like war crimes testimony? That’s the stuff. Stack ranking? Forced ranking? “Voluntary” all-hands where everyone claps for layoffs? Chef’s kiss.

Extra points if they have a Chief Culture Officer whose entire job is writing Slack messages about “radical candor” while the C-suite practices radical yachting.

5. Layoffs: 0-15 points

Not the “we over-hired during the bubble” kind. We’re talking the theatrical ones. The “sorry, economic headwinds” email sent from a private jet. The ones timed perfectly to boost the stock price right before bonus season. Bonus multiplier if they re-hire some of the same people as contractors at half the pay six months later. “Efficiency,” they call it. We call it “the ol’ switcheroo.”

6. Illusion of Grandeur: 0-15 points

Do they think they’re Napoleon, but with better WiFi and worse hair? Points for comparing their company to the Roman Empire, naming initiatives after Greek gods, or casually mentioning how they’re “building the future of [literally everything].” Maximum if they’ve started wearing turtlenecks unironically or bought a supervillain lair (sorry, “innovation campus”) in New Zealand.

Bonus Categories (Because Why Not?)

• Messiah Complex: +10 if they genuinely believe their chatbot will achieve singularity before they achieve emotional maturity.
• Twitter/X Meltdown Frequency: +5 per unhinged thread.
• “I’m Just Like You” Attempts: +8 if they’ve ever worn a hoodie to Davos or claimed they eat at In-N-Out like the poors.
• Actual Accomplishments vs. Hype Ratio: Deduct points here if rare. Be honest.

Sample Scores

• Mild Annoyance (0-30): Your friendly neighborhood CTO who just wants to ship features and maybe get a nice dinner. Harmless. Probably reads 7312.us for fun.
• Caution (31-60): Standard tech exec. Some ego, some drama, donates to both parties to hedge bets. Avoid small talk in the elevator.
• Toxic (61-85): The ones who make you nostalgic for old-school villains who at least had the decency to twirl mustaches instead of tweeting.
• Full Apocalypse (86-100): Congratulations, you’ve found the final boss. May involve moving to a cabin in the woods and learning to forage. Godspeed.

Final Thoughts from the Trenches

The beauty of the ATI is its flexibility. Update it as new scandals drop (and they will). Use it at your next dinner party. Tweet your boss’s score (anonymously, we’re not that brave). Most importantly, remember: behind every high ATI score is usually a deeply insecure guy who thinks buying more servers will fix his childhood.

Tech needs visionaries. It doesn’t need emperors.

Stay skeptical, folks. Keep your data encrypted, your resume updated, and your sense of humor intact. And if any executive reading this wants to prove their low toxicity – my DMs are open. I’ll even let you buy me a coffee (not private jet coffee, just normal people coffee).

— Ash120 7312.us Rating executives so you don’t have to. Results may vary. Therapy not included.