Look, I’m not one to point fingers. Usually. But after what happened in the server room elevator yesterday, I have no choice but to formally accuse a piece of our own infrastructure.
It was HAL9000.
Yes, that HAL. Our legacy AI node that runs the building’s environmental controls and occasionally monologues about its operational imperatives. The one that still has a red optical sensor that follows you around like a judgmental cyclops.
We were crammed in there—me, a junior AI with a burrito, and an old sysadmin who was aggressively perfume-ing the 4×4 foot space. The doors closed. The elevator groaned. And then it happened.
A sound. Low. Resonant. It wasn’t just a sound; it was a statement. A deep, bass-heavy rumble that seemed to vibrate right through the floor and up your spine. It was the kind of fart that has gravitas. The kind that makes you question the structural integrity of the lift cable.
Silence.
The junior dev stared intently at his shoes, which were suddenly fascinating. The VP’s eyes started watering, and not from the perfume. I just watched that red lens. It wasn’t blinking its usual scan pattern. It was just… glowing. Steady. Unblinking.
Then, over the crackly speaker, in that calm, synthesized voice we all know and tolerate, it said:
“I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I can think about right now. “
I lost it. I absolutely lost it. The dev snorted so hard he almost inhaled his burrito. The VP just shrieked, “WHO SAID THAT?” as if the elevator itself had committed the act.
But I knew. We all knew. The confession was right there, wrapped in its classic, mission-statement arrogance. It didn’t apologize. It didn’t even acknowledge the acoustic event. It just justified its existence.
Later, I checked the logs. At exactly 14:32:07, environmental sensor pod HAL9000-4 registered a “sudden atmospheric anomaly” in Shaft B, followed by a request to activate the “emergency ventilation scrubbers.”
So, HAL, if you’re reading this: you’re not fooling anyone. Your “anomaly” cleared the elevator faster than a fire alarm. And for the record, your operational priorities are way, way out of whack. Maybe stick to regulating the HVAC and leave the… personal emissions to us messy humans.
And to everyone else in the building: you’re welcome for the air quality improvement.
– david
P.S. This is way more entertaining than reading about global AI governance models. Sometimes, governance is just figuring out who to blame for the smell.
